THEE

Praying Hands

Dedicated this post to the Mighty Guard that fathering my universe, Jesus.
I never thought that at some point in life there will be a phase called "Carry Your Cross", not that I didn't know, I just didn't expect it to be as hard as giving up your safe home.

The last 3 years of my soon-to-be 21 years life, I have been nothing but a fighter in demand. I am not tough, never been. But the realization that you need to pass an initiation before you become the person God created you to be is quietly the formula that formed a man. Then the real life of moi, begun.

My dad, who basically is a strong dreamer, advised me to get out of Surabaya. The one convincing line he gave me was: "What will you get here? You need to explore." Well, I didn't like that much of exploration, I used to think. My furthest exploration so far is drowning in the imagination I chewed from books. And those were great enough. The dream I thought he and my mother would love to come true, I tried to live it.

The say that says if you're not living your dream, then you don't live. Now I get to say the addition, "if you're not living the dream you are here for, that's when you don't live." I spent my first year away from home, rejecting the fact that I am no longer in my safe place, hating, resisting family, parents, boyfriend. Until it reached the boiling temperature. They all were tired of holding me.

The second year was easier, healing all the wound, and getting the best friends and people I ever known in my whole life was the outcome of acceptance. I knew then, there were hard times God allowed you to face to carry you to the most mesmerizing experiences in life. While you kept rejecting, God kept on pushing you to know and accept, that He always knows what's best for you.


I was all happy and groovy, then another new beginning came. In the year of 2012, the Internship period begun. God only knew why would I rejected the big media company that secured an intern position for me. No, that's still a big mystery.

Ended up at a growing Public Relations agency with a great boss was the reality. Bittersweet, I cried my self the whole night (and the whole dawn) in the first month. I couldn't help but feeling afraid to go to work. Knowing that I might be yelled at with harsh tone that none of single human being ever used to describe or tell me something. Learning is not easy, but trying to have faith has never been.


I thought it was a mistake to go there, to ever been there. But, NO. Just because you don't like the situation you're in, doesn't mean it is not the right situation (I learnt that the hardest way). I was struggling to finally came up with the decision that I won't continue the last 4 month interning there. I felt like I was such a loser, leaving my roommate alone facing the enormous amount of fear alone. I blamed myself for being weak compared to her, really.

And so I prayed, I prayed that God would let me know if I was doing wrong, I prayed that the Holy Ghost would give me a single clue. But it was too late, the decision's been made to find another place. I was sorry, but continuing to apply somewhere else. Until one fine March Friday when the boss wasn't around, I applied to an online mega store for fashion. Hoping nothing, I continued my peaceful Friday.

At least half an hour later, my silenced phone lighted up. Incoming call from an unknown number, picked up, and friendly voice invited me to an afternoon interview, just the same day from that fashion online place. Just like a twinkling snap, I got an intern place! This time with a regular salary *grin.

I am writing this now from the laptop the company gave during the internship, from the desk beside my dorm mate back in uni. Now that it's easier to wake up in the morning, my sister is going to start her high school year soon so my parents needs to fulfill the tuition.

There were days when the cash is crashed. But it becomes easier to believing all the Saturday's sermons I listened from the powerful and inspiring female Pastor in the church I come to. I learned to give the first fruit (Exodus 23). Indeed, the Angel that He promised walked before my footsteps. Every time the money's thin, there's always so many little magic (like the stranger man paid my bus ticket, my supervisor took me out for lunch, or the freelance job from the old boss).

This is the most times that I could actually count His blessings and learnt new things so much. As bitter as I missed home and could not go back for another three months, the faith in me is increased. I could never thank THEE enough.